One word: Contractions. I was going to say abbreviations but this wouldn't be accurate, and whilst I'm at it I will also admit that I don't have any problem with 'txt spk' not that I can understand most of it. No my bugbear is contractions, in particular contractions of TV show titles into lazier ways of saying that title.
I bet you know the ones I mean.
Yes, 'Strictly come Dancing' is one of them....I'm sorry but as pretty as you are Claudia Winkleman, I would prefer not to see your little trailers for your 'It takes two' programme, your head tilted gently to one side assuring the public that there is no need to be starved of your addiction of 'all things Strictly' Nooooo! The show is called Strictly Come Dancing, please call it by its proper title. I have even had friends asking me if I saw 'Strictly' the other night and feel compelled to lie and say I have not seen it. Perhaps if they quoted the full title the response may be different.
There is another, and it has recently returned to torment our TV screens.
'I'm a Celebrity Get me out of here'. I am not even going to write down the cringeworthy contraction of this programme suffice to say it is just the first three words of the title; come on people, its only another words after that, its not going to take you all morning to say it. Better still, just call it 'Jungle Torture' because thats all it really is, a bunch of unfortunate people whose choice is to either starve or eat kangaroo bollocks for public pleasure.
I apologise to fans of said shows, as I know both are very popular; there are far more important things in this world to get angry about, injustices in foreign countries and failings in our own, but there are plenty of people better qualified to stand up for these subjects...so I'll stick to moaning about shortening of programme titles.
Monday, 16 November 2009
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Australia
Some time ago, a very good friend of mine informed me that she was going to Australia to further her career in midwifery, and I thought 'Good on you, girl' or thoughts to that effect, here was somebody who's had an ambition and was actually doing it, living the dream as it were. And Australia too, a country chock full of beautiful people if Home and Away and Neighbours are anything to go by (well chock full is a bit of an exaggeration given the size of the place). Its somewhere I always wanted to go, but, there was a section in the Lonely Planet guide to the Country on 'Dangers and Annoyances' and these all seemed to be members of the animal kingdom that had an alarming ability of killing you. Which brings me seamlessly onto a TV programme I watched in the wee small hours at the weekend entitled 'Deadly Down Under', and this fascinating (if thats the right word) piece examined a selection of Australia's homicidal Fauna.
I suppose the late Steve Irwin did a lot to highlight some of the lethal snakes native to the Country; I will always remember him finding a Brown snake under the bonnet of his car, before proceeding to pull it out to show the viewers and as you can imagine, it certainly wasn't happy, let alone ready for its close up. The Eastern Brown Snake is the worlds second most venomous snake after the Inland Taipan - guess where that blighter lives? This snake's venom is so potent that there is enough in one bite to kill 100 people...or 250,000 mice. A quarter of a million mice! You'd never need a cat again!
But the one creature featured in this programme which really did put me off my pizza was the infamous Sydney Funnel Web spider. Now, I should point out that I will never join the spider fan club; I wouldn't stamp on one, but at the same time I'd never keep one as a pet, and if one comes into the house it soon goes back out again with the assistance of a glass and something flat, like an envelope. But if one of these B*****ds appeared in my front room, it would be a different kettle of fish! The thing I find so unsettling about the Funnel Web is its fearless attitude - it won't scuttle off if disturbed, the thing rears up at you as if to say 'come and have a go if you think your hard enough'. So, if one moved into my house, I'd move out. If they weren't the stuff of nightmares (to me) I'd be highly impressed by this critter - according to wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sydney_funnel-web_spider they can even survive falling into a swimming pool for several hours and STILL be able to bite you when fished out. Hows that for gratitude? The Red Back Spider was also featured, though this cannibalistic (you ask the males) species is a lot more timid than the Funnel Web, generally delivering most bites when hiding in somewhere like a shoe that somebody inadvertantly sticks their foot into.
One thing I wasn't aware of was to do with antivenom for anyone unfortunate to be bitten by a snake or spider...TV dramas give the impression that a slug of antivenom to a bite victim will make everything hunky dory almost as soon as its given; not so - in some cases it can take several doses, and complications such as kidney damage can ensue.
The final deadly creature in the programme was the Box Jellyfish, or Sea Wasp, which holds the dubious accolade of having the most deadly venom in the entire animal kingdom, and since the 1950's it has been responsible for over 5000 deaths. Floating close to the shore, the Box's defences, nematocysts, fire whenever anything brushes against its tentacles, and to deactivate any that have not discharged venom, vinegar which is available on any at risk beaches, is poured over. By all accounts, the pain of being stung by a Box Jellyfish is excruciating, and the marks it leaves prove that. Further delving also reveals that the worlds most venomous fish, the Stonefish also makes the coast of Queensland one if its territories which leads me to ask myself, how is it that so many potentially dangerous animals are all native to, or at least resident in, Australia?
Its short sighted to say 'I'm not going to Australia because there's too many things waiting to bite me', I mean, the poisonous Adder snake is native here in the UK and how many times have I encountered them? Never. People obviously do encounter these animals, but I don't suppose Sydney dwellers are constantly assualted by angry funnel webs, and I doubt there is a Taipan under every old log, even so I would probably be a little wary if I ever went. So I dedicate this ramble to Melissa, and remind you to shake your shoes whenever you go anywhere or wear flip-flops!
If anyone has had any encounters with deadly spiders and snakes Down Under, though someone would actually have to read this waffle first, I'd be interested to hear from you.
I suppose the late Steve Irwin did a lot to highlight some of the lethal snakes native to the Country; I will always remember him finding a Brown snake under the bonnet of his car, before proceeding to pull it out to show the viewers and as you can imagine, it certainly wasn't happy, let alone ready for its close up. The Eastern Brown Snake is the worlds second most venomous snake after the Inland Taipan - guess where that blighter lives? This snake's venom is so potent that there is enough in one bite to kill 100 people...or 250,000 mice. A quarter of a million mice! You'd never need a cat again!
But the one creature featured in this programme which really did put me off my pizza was the infamous Sydney Funnel Web spider. Now, I should point out that I will never join the spider fan club; I wouldn't stamp on one, but at the same time I'd never keep one as a pet, and if one comes into the house it soon goes back out again with the assistance of a glass and something flat, like an envelope. But if one of these B*****ds appeared in my front room, it would be a different kettle of fish! The thing I find so unsettling about the Funnel Web is its fearless attitude - it won't scuttle off if disturbed, the thing rears up at you as if to say 'come and have a go if you think your hard enough'. So, if one moved into my house, I'd move out. If they weren't the stuff of nightmares (to me) I'd be highly impressed by this critter - according to wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sydney_funnel-web_spider they can even survive falling into a swimming pool for several hours and STILL be able to bite you when fished out. Hows that for gratitude? The Red Back Spider was also featured, though this cannibalistic (you ask the males) species is a lot more timid than the Funnel Web, generally delivering most bites when hiding in somewhere like a shoe that somebody inadvertantly sticks their foot into.
One thing I wasn't aware of was to do with antivenom for anyone unfortunate to be bitten by a snake or spider...TV dramas give the impression that a slug of antivenom to a bite victim will make everything hunky dory almost as soon as its given; not so - in some cases it can take several doses, and complications such as kidney damage can ensue.
The final deadly creature in the programme was the Box Jellyfish, or Sea Wasp, which holds the dubious accolade of having the most deadly venom in the entire animal kingdom, and since the 1950's it has been responsible for over 5000 deaths. Floating close to the shore, the Box's defences, nematocysts, fire whenever anything brushes against its tentacles, and to deactivate any that have not discharged venom, vinegar which is available on any at risk beaches, is poured over. By all accounts, the pain of being stung by a Box Jellyfish is excruciating, and the marks it leaves prove that. Further delving also reveals that the worlds most venomous fish, the Stonefish also makes the coast of Queensland one if its territories which leads me to ask myself, how is it that so many potentially dangerous animals are all native to, or at least resident in, Australia?
Its short sighted to say 'I'm not going to Australia because there's too many things waiting to bite me', I mean, the poisonous Adder snake is native here in the UK and how many times have I encountered them? Never. People obviously do encounter these animals, but I don't suppose Sydney dwellers are constantly assualted by angry funnel webs, and I doubt there is a Taipan under every old log, even so I would probably be a little wary if I ever went. So I dedicate this ramble to Melissa, and remind you to shake your shoes whenever you go anywhere or wear flip-flops!
If anyone has had any encounters with deadly spiders and snakes Down Under, though someone would actually have to read this waffle first, I'd be interested to hear from you.
Saturday, 29 November 2008
This time of year and Ghosts
What is it about this time of year that makes me crave Ghost stories, be they on the screen or the printed page? I think Dickens is to blame, with his famous festive short story! That particular tale has been adapted on numerous occasions, of course, and there have been some excellent ones...naturally I will single out the 1984 George C. Scott version, not only because it was filmed in this fair town, but also because when I first saw it, circa 1986/87 it scared the sh*t out of me!
Ghosts have always bothered me, far more than Vampires, Zombies and the like, and in recent years the BBC has resurrected the tradition of adapting the short stories of the wonderful M.R James for Christmas; from 1971 to 1975 the BBC adapted 'The Stalls of Barchester Cathedral' (dropping the Cathedral from the title of the transmitted version), 'A Warning to the Curious', 'Lost Hearts', 'The Treasure of Abbott Thomas', and 'The Ash Tree'. Later additions to the series included Charles Dickens' 'The Signalman' and ended with two original stories titled 'Stigma' and 'The Ice House'. With the exception of the last two, I have seen all of these wonderfully creepy, and at times unsettling pieces of television, all skilfully directed by Lawrence Gordon Clarke, and can heartily recommend watching them if BBC4 repeats them, as in previous years.
Best of these in my opinion is the 1972 offering, 'A Warning to the Curious', featuring Peter Vaughan as amateur archaelogist Paxton and Clive 'Richard Bucket' Swift as Dr Black who becomes involved in Paxton's discovery of an Anglo-Saxon Crown buried to defend the East Coast from Viking invasion. What Paxton doesn't bank on is the Crown's ghostly guardian....I won't spoil the plot, but as one of only two of these stories to be available on DVD, it is well worth getting and putting on at 11pm on Christmas eve with the lights off, a mince pie and a stiff drink.
'The Signalman' adapted by Andrew Davies, of 'Pride and Prejudice' and numerous other Dickens' series fame, is similarly available on DVD, and again a very good story. Denholm Elliott plays the haunted title character with suitable paranoia and fear, fear of the mysterious figure calling 'Helloa! Below there!'
These weren't the only ghost stories transmitted during the festive period, which brings me to two superb screenplays by Quatermass creator Nigel Kneale; first was incidentally broadcast originally in 1972, titled 'The Stone Tape' starring Michael Bryant and Jane Asher, in which a team of electronics experts working in an old mansion discover a completely new recording method in the stone of a disused room of the house, after a series of creepy visions of a maid falling down some stairs, but what made her fall? The second Nigel Kneale related Christmas screenplay was again an adaptation, this time of Susan Hill's chilling book 'The Woman in Black'. Seeing the TV version of this gave me nightmares for some considerable time after I first saw it, where a sinister black clad woman terrorizes a young solicitor who blunders into an ancient curse when attempting to tie up a recently deceased old woman's affairs. Kneale made some changes in his script, the character's names being altered in a few cases, but the appearances of the woman are very faithful to the book and stay with you long after you've switched off the TV set...
Have a spooky Christmas!
Ghosts have always bothered me, far more than Vampires, Zombies and the like, and in recent years the BBC has resurrected the tradition of adapting the short stories of the wonderful M.R James for Christmas; from 1971 to 1975 the BBC adapted 'The Stalls of Barchester Cathedral' (dropping the Cathedral from the title of the transmitted version), 'A Warning to the Curious', 'Lost Hearts', 'The Treasure of Abbott Thomas', and 'The Ash Tree'. Later additions to the series included Charles Dickens' 'The Signalman' and ended with two original stories titled 'Stigma' and 'The Ice House'. With the exception of the last two, I have seen all of these wonderfully creepy, and at times unsettling pieces of television, all skilfully directed by Lawrence Gordon Clarke, and can heartily recommend watching them if BBC4 repeats them, as in previous years.
Best of these in my opinion is the 1972 offering, 'A Warning to the Curious', featuring Peter Vaughan as amateur archaelogist Paxton and Clive 'Richard Bucket' Swift as Dr Black who becomes involved in Paxton's discovery of an Anglo-Saxon Crown buried to defend the East Coast from Viking invasion. What Paxton doesn't bank on is the Crown's ghostly guardian....I won't spoil the plot, but as one of only two of these stories to be available on DVD, it is well worth getting and putting on at 11pm on Christmas eve with the lights off, a mince pie and a stiff drink.
'The Signalman' adapted by Andrew Davies, of 'Pride and Prejudice' and numerous other Dickens' series fame, is similarly available on DVD, and again a very good story. Denholm Elliott plays the haunted title character with suitable paranoia and fear, fear of the mysterious figure calling 'Helloa! Below there!'
These weren't the only ghost stories transmitted during the festive period, which brings me to two superb screenplays by Quatermass creator Nigel Kneale; first was incidentally broadcast originally in 1972, titled 'The Stone Tape' starring Michael Bryant and Jane Asher, in which a team of electronics experts working in an old mansion discover a completely new recording method in the stone of a disused room of the house, after a series of creepy visions of a maid falling down some stairs, but what made her fall? The second Nigel Kneale related Christmas screenplay was again an adaptation, this time of Susan Hill's chilling book 'The Woman in Black'. Seeing the TV version of this gave me nightmares for some considerable time after I first saw it, where a sinister black clad woman terrorizes a young solicitor who blunders into an ancient curse when attempting to tie up a recently deceased old woman's affairs. Kneale made some changes in his script, the character's names being altered in a few cases, but the appearances of the woman are very faithful to the book and stay with you long after you've switched off the TV set...
Have a spooky Christmas!
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